From my last entry, you may know that I was already contemplating about this “feeling” I have for a guy, whom we shall call Steve. Steve and I have been hooking up for about two and a half years. Yikes. That is a long time, longer than most of my relationships and friendships, truth to be told. Lately, we have hooked up at least once or twice a week for about two months? My timeline has been hazy since most weekends have been spent drowning myself in an absurd amount of alcohol. But don’t worry, I am not considered a raging alcoholic till I graduate.
Either way, Steve and I seem to be out of convenience. We are friends and always go out together. Therefore, by the end of the night, we just end up together and having a quick “boom, bang, sham!”. People always say that eventually someone will catch feelings if you continue to hook up with someone, especially as long as I have. Yet, I can not see myself dating him. Like ever. He is the worst of the worst, and has a well-known reputation to be the biggest unavailable boy ever. He is the type to have sex with two or three different girls at different time in one day. Yes, you heard it right, people like that do exists. And, one of them just so happens to be my friend (with benefits). I keep telling myself that I will stay platonic with him, but clearly that failed if I am here talking about it.
My goal is to figure out whether or not I like him. If I can not see myself in a relationship with him, then the answer is No. But, I can not help to feel the way I do. I actually had a dream about him a week ago. Super realistic. Felt like it was apart of my memories, where we dated and I was happy? Scary, right? Well last night, for the first time in awhile, we hooked up sober. He literally asked me “are you still feeling horny from last time?”. Oh yeah, the backstory. Well, a couple of weeks ago I woke up in his bed and felt unsatisfied. I was still horny and when I told him, things got a little awkward. Back to last night, when he asked, I could not help but to blush. I have a soft spot for people who are direct and … I mean, I was horny. Things got awkward again because I did not give a straight answer. Yet, we still fucked. I know, i know. I am so weak and I have no self-control.
WELL… let us list down Pros and Cons.
- Relatively cute?
- Nice and caring despite being the biggest fuck boy
- My friend so he knows my history with other boys
- Good sex?
- Not stupid , got a brain cell or two.
- Got a job
- Lives near me
- His taste in music is tolerable
- He is a fuckboy, did I mention that he fucked a good number of friends and acquaintances
- Never had a long term relationship
- Messy room
- Made me take 2 Plan B in a week
- Realistically not boyfriend material
- Did I mention that he has a reputation for being a fuckboy
- At this point, he doesn’t even need to flirt with me to get into my pants
- I have no self-control around him , I don’t know how to say “no”
- We are friends
- He probably does not like me in that way
- Our sex has slowly become convenient, it’s like watching the same porn for two years straight.
Well, that is all I can come up with. So there is definitely more cons than pros. MOST IMPORTANTLY: I do not think he feels the same way. Therefore, I will not confess my “feelings” or express what I feel in any way, whether it is that I like him or not. I shall wait till the summer to see how it is. SO TUNE BACK SOON TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS!